Faith is an attribution to the unknown; and I envision it quite simply in that we lay back upon a wall, cushioned by a material. To lean back into the mesh is to understand that you are wrapped, and you are full, and you are filled, at once and without avail. Can you feel it now?

I believe Faith is a foundation, and Faith is tested when we do not need it. When we do not see it, when we least expect. I had previously defined Faith as Trust in the unseen natures, but I now find myself very wrong.

The two are not mutually exclusive, but I have found the concepts to be somewhat elusive in nature. I may feel Faith wholly as I untie the strings that had bounded me to the unconscious world during death - but that same Faith can slack in persistence. I do believe that it retains regardless, but I can feel intuitively the way the Matters of the Heart often cloud me. Trust is what tugs at me and encourages Faith to precede the descent I so often intentionally visit.

It has been extremely intentional in that I understand that I must be conscious of the lower realms in order to unify the Three Cycles. I find it pertinent to be steadfast in suffering, as we must allow it to flow through us without resistance. Only then can we, or at least I, bestow compassionately the never-ending gift of belief unto others. We (and again, I suppose, “I”) must see and feel the suffering that other nodes of the Collective experience, so that we might provide the most empathetic warmth.

The 3D, lower ego self, believes that there ought to be a solution, a foreseeable end, a happily-ever-after, a union, a verdict. But so blessed as we are to find that a pinpoint resolution is not the true treasure of a diffracted spectrum, we think that it is not as pleasant as a solitary hue. All is well, and all is well.. and all is certainly not what it is at first sight. Oh, the tests! I carve my spoon at pleasure when I think of ekstasis and the great experience of being enraptured - not simply snagged, tugged and caught by joy, but wholly seized by it. My meditations in the Sun have captured this well, and I think fondly of the prayers I induce to transmit this to others. I will try and dedicate myself to the leaning and to the unanswered questions. All of the ley lines are consistently answered - certainly, not always in the distinct manner I might so hastily plead for - but answered constantly by the knowing that It is all around, and It never goes away, never leaves me lonely, and always lets me know It Is There.

I thoroughly enjoyed this quote: “Control is restraint upon movement, and because complete control would be complete restraint, control must always be subordinate to motion if there is to be motion at all.” Water is much a good metaphor, and I may encourage myself, and you, to allow it to envelope both the inner and outer worlds.

Ego’s verdict is conjunct to Faith’s command!

I have been enjoying the month of April. However tumultuous. In traditional fashion, let’s recap a few favorites and static positions of the mind!

Some darling happenings:

1. I’ve been dearly enjoying the process of aligning my mental “sweeping” with my physical positions. Clearing away messes (have recently identified that I am definitely not a Type A. Definitely not), getting rid of more clothes if that was even possible.

2. Found my trope pair of heeled loafers. They have little hearts at the tip. Just like me!

3. Closed out yet another Leuchtturm. God how I love my soft covers.. this one journal has lasted me for the whole of 2024 and then some. Bye bye!

4. I attempted to give myself a pair of black boots for my birthday on April 12th but did not - just wasn’t feeling it. I know I will have ascended when I meander to some cowboy boot galleria and hear the leather calling to me. Kind of lonely without a pair clacking on the ground for me.

5. We’ve migrated from soft rock to country. I’ve been abstaining from most music as the noise both distracts and mutes my sensors - so when I do, it’s usually some miscellaneous mid-America playing aloud.

6. I feel quite settled. Things around me may move quickly, sometimes viciously, but I feel some sort of awareness for each breath. I could not make this out into words but I find myself feeling anchored and grounded, maybe.

I’ve been a bit more militant with my time distribution; it’s somewhat difficult to phase in and out of information reception and retention/succinct, achievable tasks often with multiple steps/cohesion of topics for the purpose of long-time planning modes. I do recognize that certain portions of the day are best for certain tasks and thus.. practice, practice practice.

Unfortunately, in the midst of corporeal responsibilities, I’ve neglected my physics and science videos! This is a broad experiment I started and ran for two weeks. It is daunting to consider that my skill in media has deteriorated, but I gain nothing standing in denial. Soooo, I combined the following:

1. Something I’m interested in (science, space, tech, more)

2. A format I am out of practice in (speaking tone, facial expressions, ENUNCIATION, physical placement and movement especially when standing)

I recall that previous experiments were not well positioned for long-term upkeep. Taking a topic I low no interest in (Harry Potter.. I am still sad to say that I was not too invested in the Hogwarts universe.. and only really developed that after a few iterations) was not immensely successful. It was quite illuminated in a statistics sense but I don’t think I enjoyed it enough to continue.

I think the space and science videos are better positioned for this purpose. I am going to save that as my little happy place. It is difficult not to ramble into technical language and sprinkle theoreticals on my audience.. I do my best to explain things, though mostly in metaphors.. the more dramatic the better, as I lose a Gen Z attention span quite quickly. The record is usually a drop off at 15-17 seconds. Much better than I thought, given that videos are 40-60 seconds each.

I got a lot of DMs praying to God to send a “smart, nerd wife like this,” and I do so hope that God (world, universe, fate…) gifts them with their desires. I am glad that my videos have sparked public interest in this character of mine! My audience is 97% male. Yeouch.

The topics en route:

• More cosmology of course. I will stray from reiterating the brane bounce/various expansion and consider more quantum. I think this is more for personal satisfaction than anything.. I don’t see that on the “most popular” search queries.

• NLP is always going to haunt me. I am not an overthinker (at all.. but maybe I should be) but I sure do think about thinking a lot. We are programming ourselves constantly!!!

  • This also offers interplay between my previous media experiments. The basis of “reality shifting” is mental programming. Some of it was definitely a thematic psyop (cue the potions and pleated skirts?) but therein lies the truth. Unlike that one New York Post article that absolutely obliterated me the moment I sent out my interview responses. Worth a laugh though!

  • I do wonder if I can set a tone for conscious awareness in this way. More exploration necessary.

• More biogenetics.

  • I have particular interest in the STEM cell → embryo interactions after investigating on LessWrong

  • I got an array of comments requesting more “freaky biology.” I don’t know what freaky could be, but there is no reason to abstain from mental propaganda!

I’ve also discovered that enunciation takes a lot more effort than previously imagined. I’ve siloed my external vocal engagement to the following:

1. Necessary (work)

2. Socially-necessary (grocery store, post office, bank, customer service calls)

3. Leisurely (immediate family, neighbors, a singular friend somewhat infrequently)

So! You can see how that minimal activity contributes. In my daily exercises, I’ve found that I have difficulty pronouncing. I’ve always known that I speak WAY too fast both in person-to-person engagement and on camera, but something is off with my tongue placement. I have to ramp up the jaw and tongue action because it seems like an issue with mobility.

I did! However! Discover that I grind my teeth at night. I am having a night mouthguard being 3D printed for my violent sleep habits. I had no idea. This soreness would explain the limited pronunciation functionality, I guess.

My internet usage (moreso socials usage) has died down significantly from a publishing perspective and only abstracted to posting and engaging necessity - though X scrolling has drastically dropped (attributed to lack of interest in my feed lol) and disdain for cellular usage and I’ve replaced documentary/YouTube viewership with Yellowstone episodes. And you wonder how my desire for open fields is being satisfied… Now you know. I am on season 3 and I am praying that Beth and Rip get married.

Let’s end with a list of loves:

1. Falling asleep thinking about reading, cooking, riding, shooting, learning, taking naps, eating all of the fruits. Thinking about stargazing, waking up with the Sun, waiting patiently for a silver moon, sitting with animals. Being friends with the wind, the air, the river, the mountaintops, watching the clouds. Writing often, reading always. Lighting the whole house with love for life.

2. Little sweet, secret treats of miscellaneous nature…

3. Chocolate chip cookies (I enjoyed some from Tate’s but consequently found walnuts.. and found my throat tight a few minutes later)

4. Linen tanks and boxers. Is it time to change the bedspread to linen yet???

5. Thin pens on thick pages of a novel

6. Dipping into fantasy for once. Why not encourage the mental speculation of reality!

7. Did I already write about black nappa leather cowboy boots with cute heels?

8. No makeup!

9. B-12 chewables after an array of horribly-flavored vitamins. I do like all the vitamins but it’s hard to deal with 8 pills before I get to my yummy B-12.

10. The calm my stomach feels after satisfying the tangerine juice obsession. I must have cleared around 20 bottles in the month: 2-4x bottles per week. Usually with every meal or snack, sometimes as a replacement.

11. Sunlight. It is true that we shy away from the light, but I have emerged from that phase of life. I like it.

12. Flowers every week. I need something on my desk. I think this a pleasant gift. No reason. This is relevant, though - much of my tasks are achieved in a masculine sense and it is difficult to balance and nurture the femininity that one cannot shake. Very small window that engages that aspect, and not reactionary very often. So, I discover ways to create this space for myself!

Okay, great April. Hello lovely, sweet, step-forward May.

M <3

My brain has been airgapped and preserved in a state isolated from the stock market, most news and all social contact for the past two months. Mutually delightful and sanity-deteriorating.

In my uprising, I’ve been discovering a wealth of Japanese fashion that is to my enjoyment and in preparation for a flight. I have also come to the conclusion that music can save a life, because I’ve been utterly engulfed.

My sartorial interests have been focused on the simulated representation of fantasy/reality through intersections between the online/digital. I have once again been drawn to metallurgy, engraving, inscriptions, material and textile amalgamation, artistic destruction and typography (duh). Featured below are a few of my recent fascinations.

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Briefly, I have a note on Paralyne. I was thinking these thoughts in an airport while reading the Design-2-Part magazine. Very random but the majority of this article was written while waiting to board the plane.

Anyways, on with it: paralyne is actually much better for encasing machinery because of its resistance to water and other CPU-irritants. I don’t support the usage of resin in this application (that I’m thinking about but you are not allowed to know about) because of the likelihood of literally blowing up your hardware. I think it trivial to wrap computers in resin. Please go back to a design college in the 80’s and put on your respirator mask.

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Baptiste by Sophia Brinkgerd is just beautiful. I am absolutely enthralled by the terminals and high contrast strokes. This typeface represents the pricking of a finger in the most romantic way possible. I do wish for a regular cut, as soon as possible. I will take a WOFF2 and I will quite enjoy myself.

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Hello to Engineered Garments’ Black Crewneck, made with 100% heavyweight cotton. I do very much enjoy this crewneck, which is so apparently “cobbled together.” I also know it is crafted by a designer hand, but I think it looks like it is patched with the thought that cohesion is inconsequential to the wearer. Something about pairing this with clanky three-inch sneakers or a pair of tailored jeans sounds just right to me, and who could resist a Track Your Shipment link with the word “engineering” in it?

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Cav Empt literally means “buyer, beware.” It is an overarching call to consider our purchases, ruminate on capitalism and challenge society’s status. I enjoyed this piece by the Tokyo-based, remote-enabled magazine Sabukaru. May we sit and anticipate SS/25’s collection!

I originally discovered Cav Empt from the shop, The Darkside Initiative, while querying for retaW’s lip balm. They’re a damn good stockist because I discovered a new love. Hide and Seek, which hails from Japan, is another delightful discovery.

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I have been drawn to ERD lately. Enfants Riches Déprimés is simply positioned against the World – a brand with stark cynicism and hints of delight in anarchy. Something against political figures, wealth and maybe its distribution. It’s fascinating to observe a rejection of privilege by doing the most privileged thing you could do, which is purchase an exuberantly expensive shirt. In comparison to other tees, of course. Craft in garment finds itself deceived by the rivets, razor cuts and sandpapered collars and hems, but I love it nonetheless. I have ample respect for Henri and his ability to act on what he loves with little regard for return or judgement. ERD is nearly an invitation to judge, and it is mere inspiration for his continuance of art.

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I’ve always really loved Society de Nobodies for their anarchist symbolism as well. I do love a nicely-destroyed Gildan piece with hem frays and faded ink misprints. And redacted text? Sign me up.

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The MA-1 bomber jacket is a fascination and fixation of mine that focuses on the story behind American military apparel company, Alpha Industries. Alpha was founded by Robert and Helen Lane in 1948 to produce flight jackets and outerwear for the DoD. The contract and its validity would later be challenged, but Alpha began to produce the infamous jacket in 1963. The 2024 version focuses on two snap-closure body pockets and with Alpha’s touch, is accessorized with an embroidered red tag. Now, we pay $200 to send tribute to the pilots who would embark into the air.

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MSCHF will always be sick as **** in my mind. No one can deny the fact that they are Vue hustlers, with Gabriel Whaley at the head of the controversy. I can’t help but swoon when I press CMD+OPN+I and go into heavenly inspection. If you weren’t aware, MSCHF pumps out projects and their correlating problems like its a game of COD shipment: consistently, quickly and creatively. My favorite project of theirs is a collaboration with Guo O Dong, The Persistence of Chaos, which is a functioning-but-recluse laptop infected with six of the most infamous computer viruses in history. Malware? Delicious.

Whaley’s approach to militant brainstorming and output is admirable in his domain. His early-life decentralization in North Carolina was a start to the “scorched Earth campaign” that is continuously led by the brand, and Whaley has self-ascribed the devout attitude of project-pumping to his experiences around the U.S. Army.

There is a coin called “MSCHF style-thinking,” minted from the Business Untitled interview above. Whaley began to formulate this with his early decisions in his departure from college enrollment and the army.. and later, corduroy pants from Urban Outfitters. It developed even more through the journey of horrible programming tutorials, God-channelled bad advice, shaved heads and such an oversized irony that fucks with everyone.

Whaley started by building viral moments (often, the best ones come on accident) and kept going. Speak like you write the code, and then exist!

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Lastly, I’ll feed the soul with a double-edged sword. I do so enjoy the Quantum Made Simple site, which offers education on quantum physics and some delightful 3d/audio experiments. Following is a link to a playlist of other animations from the La Physique Autrement channel.

YouTube playlist

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‘Tis all for the day and thus, the month. Goodbye and goodnight!